IN a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, Young Adult Literature (YA) was put on blast for being too dark. This is all rooted in a conservative approach to controlling children, molding them into good little consumers. They are afraid to let the world be written about the way it actually is for some people. The problem is that people think a single book is a representative sample of the world, which is not true. People need to keep in mind that fiction has an agenda. Someone is trying to use.. a parable if you will.. to illustrate some point. The fact that the books feature serious themes, difficult for people to read about. YA functions as a form of catharsis for both people who suffer from serious social and emotional issues, and others who suffer from the banality of a middle-class consumer driven existence where helicopter parents interfere to the extent that they have made you co-dependent. This is a reality that the same helicopter parents want to deny exists.. because it maintains the status quo.
Calling the themes in YA dark adds another stigma to the literature. Creating the binary difference between light and dark, and qualifying each by equating light with good, and dark with bad, plants the seed of discrimination, and teaches future generations to place everyone they meet in hierarchies based on social privilege.
Although we must concede that the protest will never end because the self-righteous will maintain that God is on their side, and He would be appalled by the stories being read by young adults, even though the Bible has moments that include mutilation, suffering, betrayal; many of the themes that appear in the YA genre of contemporary rendition of the Western Judeo-Christian story.
We can not deny that the issues in these so-called “problem novels” do not exist. At the same time, we ought not give such a special emphasis to them as to elevate them to a form of sanctioned escapism—condoning cutting, suicide, gang-violence, etc. We should take no special note of them other than to acknowledge their existence so as not to bask in the bliss of ignorance. We must avoid the mindset of everything good is light, everything bad is dark, good is beautiful, bad is ugly, and so on. If that is the convention that you want, then I would suggest ignoring the YA genre altogether, and head on over to Disney.com.
Besides the fact that young people are reading in the age of no attention span, these books bring a little comfort to a small group of people who would otherwise be alone. YA serves as an emotional prosthetic, and it would be cruel to withhold both the opportunity to improve ones mind and imagination, but also to feel that perhaps other people experience such despair.
If parents with “taste” and “judgment” want to maintain the façade that the world does possess the kind of complicity and hardship as presented in these novels, they are only deluding themselves, and missing out on important parental aspects such as preparing children for the inevitable headache that is the adult world. I think the real problem is that these people have a problem with truth. They don’t want to hear the truth, they just want to hold on to their delusions as though they were reality, but in fact they are just becoming subjects to a system that labels and segregates people into stratified groups in vain efforts to shield youth for the fact that the world isn’t the Disney fairy tale we’ve been absorbing through the television-based culture they’ve been bred into.
Perhaps that is the true issue. More young adults are reading, and so less are watching trashy TV, playing less violent video games. This is causing the stock holders to lose money, so they get articles in the WSJ to convince conservative parents to encourage their children to read less and watch more television.
It may not be censorship to withhold information from a child until it is a certain age, but it is not protection either.
But don’t listen to me, read for yourself and more importantly, think for yourself:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303657404576357622592697038.html?mod=WSJ_Books_LS_Books_6
NPR response:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2011/06/06/137005354/seeing-teenagers-as-we-wish-they-were-the-debate-over-ya-fiction
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Problem
The problem with this great society of ours is that it is too consumer driven. In everyone's attempt to be distinguished from the "working" class, they have gone out and made them selves viable for a service industry that is saturated. So, now with no more service jobs, and very few manual labor jobs, our country, the United States of America, has fallen into what they call a recession, but is much more akin to a Depression.
People in the American society are under the impression that their labors are worth a certain value, and if no one is willing to pay that value then the work is not worth doing. "Give it to the migrant workers," they say. But this attitude is destroying our economy. Combined with a fully automated, mechanized industrial society, our nation has no where to go but down.
The states rely too much on the Federal government to supply them with funds, and the Federal government is too obsessed with keeping the states pacified and dependent to consider mobilizing for successions. What most people don't know is that in the original constitution, it was declared that states should have the right to succeed from the union in the event that they felt no confidence for the federal government. After the Civil War, after the United States strong-armed the confederacy and convinced the rest of the world that the South was a bunch of barbarous red necks looking to enslave people, the constitution was amended to follow that no state could succeed, that the Union was a consolidated entity that could not be divided. The national propaganda has done will to encourage this idea, and bolster the idea that we are the best nation ever. But we're not, and there is nothing to suggest that we are. We are less concerned with doing the right thing, and more concerned with getting revenge. We have our priorities messed up due to our increased interest in individualism, making us selfish and self-centered. We say we want to save the world, but we do not possess the means, nor the ideas to realize such a feat. Instead, we just over-extend our resources in attempts to guard our foreign economic interests.
The sad part is, the government has enough resources to silence free speech such has this, and yet they don't have enough resources to help people like me become more productive members of society. It is sickening to listen to a person who works 10 hours a day and makes over 200 thousand dollars a year talk about how lazy people like me should just work harder and they'd get more. Yeah, compared to those of us who work almost 19 hours a day for minimum wage, and yet we can barely make our ends meet.. we just need to work a little harder. Fuck that. Those kinds of assholes, who can afford to have a healthy percentage cut from their paycheck to be given to those assholes who simply do not have the right circumstances to become self-sufficient in the current state of things.
We are the marginalized middle-class, we are lumped in the category of privileged white people, when our situations determine that we are not-quite-not-white people living in destitution as well as desperation. I'm not saying that we haven't done anything wrong: we didn't need to max out all those credit cards to keep up with affluent white people, nor did we need to go out to eat and party like the other college students do. But we were young and we were dumb, and the system was not set up to protect people like us from hanging ourselves with debt. There are now, but what about all those people who are still caught between the rock and the hard place?
We should be given a FREE pass? no. But the United States government could take more interest in the people who are severely in debt, but possess skills that could be useful. In this way a kind of post-modern indentured servitude can be established where people can begin working on their debt, but also be working for their livelihood.
The problem is laziness and apathy on the part of people who have the most power to change things. They are often misinformed, and make decisions that benefit themselves and no one else. When they think they are helping people, they are usually only doing it in a way that shows them in a better light. Selfish acts of selflessness. There is no altruism.
People in the American society are under the impression that their labors are worth a certain value, and if no one is willing to pay that value then the work is not worth doing. "Give it to the migrant workers," they say. But this attitude is destroying our economy. Combined with a fully automated, mechanized industrial society, our nation has no where to go but down.
The states rely too much on the Federal government to supply them with funds, and the Federal government is too obsessed with keeping the states pacified and dependent to consider mobilizing for successions. What most people don't know is that in the original constitution, it was declared that states should have the right to succeed from the union in the event that they felt no confidence for the federal government. After the Civil War, after the United States strong-armed the confederacy and convinced the rest of the world that the South was a bunch of barbarous red necks looking to enslave people, the constitution was amended to follow that no state could succeed, that the Union was a consolidated entity that could not be divided. The national propaganda has done will to encourage this idea, and bolster the idea that we are the best nation ever. But we're not, and there is nothing to suggest that we are. We are less concerned with doing the right thing, and more concerned with getting revenge. We have our priorities messed up due to our increased interest in individualism, making us selfish and self-centered. We say we want to save the world, but we do not possess the means, nor the ideas to realize such a feat. Instead, we just over-extend our resources in attempts to guard our foreign economic interests.
The sad part is, the government has enough resources to silence free speech such has this, and yet they don't have enough resources to help people like me become more productive members of society. It is sickening to listen to a person who works 10 hours a day and makes over 200 thousand dollars a year talk about how lazy people like me should just work harder and they'd get more. Yeah, compared to those of us who work almost 19 hours a day for minimum wage, and yet we can barely make our ends meet.. we just need to work a little harder. Fuck that. Those kinds of assholes, who can afford to have a healthy percentage cut from their paycheck to be given to those assholes who simply do not have the right circumstances to become self-sufficient in the current state of things.
We are the marginalized middle-class, we are lumped in the category of privileged white people, when our situations determine that we are not-quite-not-white people living in destitution as well as desperation. I'm not saying that we haven't done anything wrong: we didn't need to max out all those credit cards to keep up with affluent white people, nor did we need to go out to eat and party like the other college students do. But we were young and we were dumb, and the system was not set up to protect people like us from hanging ourselves with debt. There are now, but what about all those people who are still caught between the rock and the hard place?
We should be given a FREE pass? no. But the United States government could take more interest in the people who are severely in debt, but possess skills that could be useful. In this way a kind of post-modern indentured servitude can be established where people can begin working on their debt, but also be working for their livelihood.
The problem is laziness and apathy on the part of people who have the most power to change things. They are often misinformed, and make decisions that benefit themselves and no one else. When they think they are helping people, they are usually only doing it in a way that shows them in a better light. Selfish acts of selflessness. There is no altruism.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I prefer not to be attached for a reason
I was adopted by a stray cat. I noticed her one morning and subsequently placed a bowl of milk for her to drink. Over time, she let me pet her, hold her and now I must say that I'm attached to her. She is quite adorable. She is a mostly black cat with white paws, belly and chin. When she purrs it sounds like she is chirping. It is so cute. Anyways, since she is a stray I can't bring her in the house. She is around a lot, but it seems that when i want her to be around the most she is nowhere to be found. I remember this feeling of missing something, and I also remember why I prefer not to become attached to things.
Normally I hate cats. But for some reason I really like this one, and I wish I could keep her in the house so she would both keep warm and not leave. It is a painful reminder that she does not belong to me regardless of how close I feel we are becoming. This is another example of projecting human traits onto animals. The cat probably doesn't feel anything for me other than I can keep her warm and I feed her. But I have built her a little box for shelter, and seeing that she doesn't use it all the time makes me wonder if she is alright on nights when it get so cold. This distressing feeling is too much for me. I prefer the coldness of emotional disconnect. But I am expected to be normal, and I must oblige these expectations.
Normally I hate cats. But for some reason I really like this one, and I wish I could keep her in the house so she would both keep warm and not leave. It is a painful reminder that she does not belong to me regardless of how close I feel we are becoming. This is another example of projecting human traits onto animals. The cat probably doesn't feel anything for me other than I can keep her warm and I feed her. But I have built her a little box for shelter, and seeing that she doesn't use it all the time makes me wonder if she is alright on nights when it get so cold. This distressing feeling is too much for me. I prefer the coldness of emotional disconnect. But I am expected to be normal, and I must oblige these expectations.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I'm not homophobic.
There is a person whom I won't explain my connection to that recently made a comment that I say things about stuff when I don't have any idea what I'm talking about. I find this to be a very interesting statement. I was very offended by what she/he had said, and almost engaged her/him in an open intellectual gauntlet if someone hadn't intervened.
My problem with this person is that he/she goes to a better school than I do, so he/she assumes that he/she is better than me. They are a typical white person as described on Stuff White People Like. I admire the strong willed, and for the most part intelligent mind of this person, but when one becomes emotional and begins shouting to make a point the conversation dissolves rather quickly. I don't always have to be right, but I worded my assertion very carefully. I said, "I hypothesize that it might be possible that in some individual homosexuality is the result of an endocrine dysfunction, and with hormone treatment, one might see a change in the behavior, including perhaps heterosexuality." Now, I know I have no proof of this assertion, there are many tentative aspects to that, the most important of which is that I used the word hypothesize deliberately. This triggered a veritable speculation war. In this my accuser became the projector in that they have little more factual knowledge than I, but they spoke with such authority as to assume that I was the retard for having suggested it. I'm not saying that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured. I'm suggesting that our behavior is based on chemical driven components in our brain that are both variable and subject to modification. If we were to say, add testosterone to a male who desires men and has a high estrogen, low testosterone level, would they desire women more, or would they just want to fuck more? That is the question I want to answer. But they took my words the wrong way. It happens.
My problem with this person is that he/she goes to a better school than I do, so he/she assumes that he/she is better than me. They are a typical white person as described on Stuff White People Like. I admire the strong willed, and for the most part intelligent mind of this person, but when one becomes emotional and begins shouting to make a point the conversation dissolves rather quickly. I don't always have to be right, but I worded my assertion very carefully. I said, "I hypothesize that it might be possible that in some individual homosexuality is the result of an endocrine dysfunction, and with hormone treatment, one might see a change in the behavior, including perhaps heterosexuality." Now, I know I have no proof of this assertion, there are many tentative aspects to that, the most important of which is that I used the word hypothesize deliberately. This triggered a veritable speculation war. In this my accuser became the projector in that they have little more factual knowledge than I, but they spoke with such authority as to assume that I was the retard for having suggested it. I'm not saying that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured. I'm suggesting that our behavior is based on chemical driven components in our brain that are both variable and subject to modification. If we were to say, add testosterone to a male who desires men and has a high estrogen, low testosterone level, would they desire women more, or would they just want to fuck more? That is the question I want to answer. But they took my words the wrong way. It happens.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Facebook and the Death of Integrity
A word I often hear people use as though it is self-explanatory is 'integrity.' It is often used when I hear someone talking about a good deed that another person had done:
"They're a good person. They show a lot of integrity."
But I find myself asking whether or not people completely understand what this means. I take the word to mean something similar to integration, meaning that a person demonstrates a certain amount of consistency in character. In other words, a person who acts the same around their parents as they do around their friends, and in church the same way they act in a bar would ultimately be a person of considerable integrity.
This is not the implied definition that one might deduce from the way it is most commonly used. I had the same problem with people using the word 'belligerent' when I was a freshman in college, which refers to aggressive, fight-seeking behavior. My roommates used it as a word to mean very drunk, which while I admit is sometimes synonymous, is not necessarily.
The reason I bring all this up is because I feel as though Facebook has completely obliterated all semblances of integrity. We are so connected with people that we are afraid to say something that will offend anyone. I run into this problem very frequently. I say something that I would say to my college friends, but my family or people from my hometown read it and are offended. Now, I'm not concerned about what people say about me behind my back because I will tell anyone to their face that I think they are an idiot.. except maybe my parents.. but there are those who are close to me (specifically my mother, but others also) that are so troubled that everyone is able to read what I write.
Firstly, I'm no diplomat. Secondly, I don't want people to have these fairy tale assumptions about me, although if they aren't stupid they will be able to see the truth in what I write, or see the joke.. whichever I'm aiming for. Facebook has killed integrity, or at least it has exposed people for the double-faced schemers that they are.. in some aspects. Some people are wise enough to exercise discretion on the Book and not share hostile thoughts, but what that leaves is a very banal newsfeed.
What I find to be most irritating are the people who do say reductive, prejudice, and generally retarded statements behind the backs of others, and meanwhile present themselves as some noble hero through the feed. Yes.. I'm talking about my brother. You see, my brother is in the Coast Guard, and he is very proud of being in the Coast Guard. And in many respects he is really good at what he does. And I am proud of that. But the way in which he boasts his superiority is a little irritating at times. This is because he tells these stories which I know aren't entirely true, but he thinks will impress me so he embellishes. Actually, I don't think that he can remember what really happened, and so his brain fills in the gaps with whatever bullshit he can make up on the spot. This seems like it would be a symptom of pathological lying, but what do I know? I do know that I would respect him a lot more if he wouldn't try so hard to impress me. Further, I would appreciate him a lot more if he treated me less like an audience and more like a friend. That's just it though, I think he is so used to having an audience for his "epic stories" that he loses sight of the fact that he isn't the center of attention.
My mother would explain that it is his sanguine temperament that leads to this kind of behavior--which I think is retarded because people don't have temperaments.. humorism is pre-Victorian bullshit. I think my brother is just desperate to matter to someone. So what he does is he post these patriotic statements into the feed, making everyone think he is some kind of valiant hero, and meanwhile he is one of the most prejudice people I know. Not in a racial way, no.. more like he judges poor people, or people who don't look as polished as he tries to look. He judges white trash the same way I judge stupid people. Then he posts bullshit like "I'm so glad that Thomas Jefferson was good with words 234 years ago," and "My thoughts and prayers are with the Coast Guardsmen who lost their lives serving their country today." So noble, but my money is betting on him writing those things to glorify himself as a noble person, which makes the actions seem so hollow. But stupid people won't know this because they are stupid.
I know I sound really bitter, but the fact remains that I take a lot of heat for the things I say when I'm just being consistent. I'm annoyed that people think I should act in a certain way because it won't rock the boat. People are so sensitive about the sandcastle that is their social appearance that they are willing to sacrifice integrity so that people can be delusional. It's really fucking annoying. Mostly because I feel so displaced and invalidated by shallow plasticity.
Ok, I'm done ranting.
"They're a good person. They show a lot of integrity."
But I find myself asking whether or not people completely understand what this means. I take the word to mean something similar to integration, meaning that a person demonstrates a certain amount of consistency in character. In other words, a person who acts the same around their parents as they do around their friends, and in church the same way they act in a bar would ultimately be a person of considerable integrity.
This is not the implied definition that one might deduce from the way it is most commonly used. I had the same problem with people using the word 'belligerent' when I was a freshman in college, which refers to aggressive, fight-seeking behavior. My roommates used it as a word to mean very drunk, which while I admit is sometimes synonymous, is not necessarily.
The reason I bring all this up is because I feel as though Facebook has completely obliterated all semblances of integrity. We are so connected with people that we are afraid to say something that will offend anyone. I run into this problem very frequently. I say something that I would say to my college friends, but my family or people from my hometown read it and are offended. Now, I'm not concerned about what people say about me behind my back because I will tell anyone to their face that I think they are an idiot.. except maybe my parents.. but there are those who are close to me (specifically my mother, but others also) that are so troubled that everyone is able to read what I write.
Firstly, I'm no diplomat. Secondly, I don't want people to have these fairy tale assumptions about me, although if they aren't stupid they will be able to see the truth in what I write, or see the joke.. whichever I'm aiming for. Facebook has killed integrity, or at least it has exposed people for the double-faced schemers that they are.. in some aspects. Some people are wise enough to exercise discretion on the Book and not share hostile thoughts, but what that leaves is a very banal newsfeed.
What I find to be most irritating are the people who do say reductive, prejudice, and generally retarded statements behind the backs of others, and meanwhile present themselves as some noble hero through the feed. Yes.. I'm talking about my brother. You see, my brother is in the Coast Guard, and he is very proud of being in the Coast Guard. And in many respects he is really good at what he does. And I am proud of that. But the way in which he boasts his superiority is a little irritating at times. This is because he tells these stories which I know aren't entirely true, but he thinks will impress me so he embellishes. Actually, I don't think that he can remember what really happened, and so his brain fills in the gaps with whatever bullshit he can make up on the spot. This seems like it would be a symptom of pathological lying, but what do I know? I do know that I would respect him a lot more if he wouldn't try so hard to impress me. Further, I would appreciate him a lot more if he treated me less like an audience and more like a friend. That's just it though, I think he is so used to having an audience for his "epic stories" that he loses sight of the fact that he isn't the center of attention.
My mother would explain that it is his sanguine temperament that leads to this kind of behavior--which I think is retarded because people don't have temperaments.. humorism is pre-Victorian bullshit. I think my brother is just desperate to matter to someone. So what he does is he post these patriotic statements into the feed, making everyone think he is some kind of valiant hero, and meanwhile he is one of the most prejudice people I know. Not in a racial way, no.. more like he judges poor people, or people who don't look as polished as he tries to look. He judges white trash the same way I judge stupid people. Then he posts bullshit like "I'm so glad that Thomas Jefferson was good with words 234 years ago," and "My thoughts and prayers are with the Coast Guardsmen who lost their lives serving their country today." So noble, but my money is betting on him writing those things to glorify himself as a noble person, which makes the actions seem so hollow. But stupid people won't know this because they are stupid.
I know I sound really bitter, but the fact remains that I take a lot of heat for the things I say when I'm just being consistent. I'm annoyed that people think I should act in a certain way because it won't rock the boat. People are so sensitive about the sandcastle that is their social appearance that they are willing to sacrifice integrity so that people can be delusional. It's really fucking annoying. Mostly because I feel so displaced and invalidated by shallow plasticity.
Ok, I'm done ranting.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Focus and Distraction
I am reaching the end of a graduate exercise called the Thesis. Actually, the thesis is like the magnum opus of graduate school, the bulk of the project is a massive writing assignment. I started working on this last summer, and I will not be finished until August. The reason I say I'm almost finished now is because I am reaching the end of the writing process after which I can submit the rough draft to my adviser for editing notes. After it is finished, I will defend it, and then I'm done with grad school.
It has not been easy because there are so many distractions that I must deal with on a regular basis. Like I've mentioned before, I live with my parents now, and living with them has brought about many extra responsibilities that I didn't have when I lived on campus or by myself. One of those--or a few of those--responsibilities is yard work. Because my father has been working non-stop for the last eighteen days, I've taken over his yard duties. One of the perks to living at home is that my mother is here and is more than happy to do my laundry and cook for me when I'm hungry. I'm also very happy to help out around the house because my parents provide for me as though I am a child again. The only difference is that I can do a lot more with a kind of lenience I never got as a teenager. There are a few drawbacks however. One of those draw backs is that my parents are conservative anti-ganj folk. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but my mother has been asking a lot of questions that she doesn't want to know the answer to.
The problem for me is that on the one hand, I don't want to take advantage of my parents since they are my only source of funds right now, but at the same time, they won't give me permission to medicate using ganj, nor the money, so I have to find a way around that. Well, my mother thinks that I am scamming them--which I may be in a way, but I am not happy about it. I'm not proud of myself, and I wish that I could be self-sustainable and financially independent. The only way I could do that at this point in my life is to deal drugs, which is an incredibly dangerous venture, with a high-risk, low-yield business model, and so is just not a logical solution.
So this drama has been plaguing my mind, but I've been trying to push through it by working on my thesis. I'm getting so close to finishing I can taste it. Also, I found that one of the things that was keeping me from finishing was the fact that I had nothing really planned beyond grad school. I know that I want to get my PhD, but without having taken the GRE yet, or applied to any grad schools, it is not possible for me to start a PhD program (assuming I get accepted) for another year. I gave this a lot of thought, and I've been very interested in medicine in the last... going on five years now, and now that I'm at the end of one academic road, I find myself longing to hop onto another one. It was for that reason that I decided to re-enroll as an undergraduate, add a second major, and complete an undergrad pre-med program, take the MCAT and apply to med school.
This decision has sparked a kind of motivation in me to finally finish what I've started. Because I really want to start learning about this new field that I've signed up to study, I am motivated to get started, but I am also disciplined enough to know that I can not start something new until my thesis is finished. That has really lit a fire underneath me, as in the last week I've written the bulk of the thesis, whereas I had been stuck for weeks, trying to figure out what I was going to write about. These days the words have been flowing freely, although for the night I think I can not write anymore.
So what I've learned is that when faced with a task, it is best to planned the future beyond that task in order to ensure that the first task will get finished. The reasoning behind this is that once you become excited about the new project coming up, there should be a renewed sense of motivation to finished the initial project. That has been the case with my thesis. Before, when I had nothing to look forward to beyond finishing my thesis, besides looking for work, I dawdled, I was not very concerned about finishing the thesis, and I wasn't concerned if I never finished school. Now that there is an end in sight, and a post-thesis plan, I can finish the project without any anxieties as to what I will attempt to do next.
So my words of wisdom for anyone who wants to accomplish something but has a problem maintaining drive to commit to finishing is to keep working until you find yourself longing to do something else. At that point, make arrangements to start something new, which will not only give yourself a kind of deadline to finish the first project, but it will also focus and motivate you to finish what you start before diving into another project. It probably doesn't work for everyone, but I've found this to be helpful. At the end of each semester, when I have a large amount of papers due, I find myself longing to read something other than what I need to to write the papers. So instead of distracting myself, I start a pile of books that I am going to read when I finish the last paper. This also helps with finishing books before starting another one. Pick out the next book before the book prior to it is finished, and don't start it until you've finished the first. The theory is that the motivation will sustain longer if the mind has the next thing to look forward to already in its sights.
It has not been easy because there are so many distractions that I must deal with on a regular basis. Like I've mentioned before, I live with my parents now, and living with them has brought about many extra responsibilities that I didn't have when I lived on campus or by myself. One of those--or a few of those--responsibilities is yard work. Because my father has been working non-stop for the last eighteen days, I've taken over his yard duties. One of the perks to living at home is that my mother is here and is more than happy to do my laundry and cook for me when I'm hungry. I'm also very happy to help out around the house because my parents provide for me as though I am a child again. The only difference is that I can do a lot more with a kind of lenience I never got as a teenager. There are a few drawbacks however. One of those draw backs is that my parents are conservative anti-ganj folk. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but my mother has been asking a lot of questions that she doesn't want to know the answer to.
The problem for me is that on the one hand, I don't want to take advantage of my parents since they are my only source of funds right now, but at the same time, they won't give me permission to medicate using ganj, nor the money, so I have to find a way around that. Well, my mother thinks that I am scamming them--which I may be in a way, but I am not happy about it. I'm not proud of myself, and I wish that I could be self-sustainable and financially independent. The only way I could do that at this point in my life is to deal drugs, which is an incredibly dangerous venture, with a high-risk, low-yield business model, and so is just not a logical solution.
So this drama has been plaguing my mind, but I've been trying to push through it by working on my thesis. I'm getting so close to finishing I can taste it. Also, I found that one of the things that was keeping me from finishing was the fact that I had nothing really planned beyond grad school. I know that I want to get my PhD, but without having taken the GRE yet, or applied to any grad schools, it is not possible for me to start a PhD program (assuming I get accepted) for another year. I gave this a lot of thought, and I've been very interested in medicine in the last... going on five years now, and now that I'm at the end of one academic road, I find myself longing to hop onto another one. It was for that reason that I decided to re-enroll as an undergraduate, add a second major, and complete an undergrad pre-med program, take the MCAT and apply to med school.
This decision has sparked a kind of motivation in me to finally finish what I've started. Because I really want to start learning about this new field that I've signed up to study, I am motivated to get started, but I am also disciplined enough to know that I can not start something new until my thesis is finished. That has really lit a fire underneath me, as in the last week I've written the bulk of the thesis, whereas I had been stuck for weeks, trying to figure out what I was going to write about. These days the words have been flowing freely, although for the night I think I can not write anymore.
So what I've learned is that when faced with a task, it is best to planned the future beyond that task in order to ensure that the first task will get finished. The reasoning behind this is that once you become excited about the new project coming up, there should be a renewed sense of motivation to finished the initial project. That has been the case with my thesis. Before, when I had nothing to look forward to beyond finishing my thesis, besides looking for work, I dawdled, I was not very concerned about finishing the thesis, and I wasn't concerned if I never finished school. Now that there is an end in sight, and a post-thesis plan, I can finish the project without any anxieties as to what I will attempt to do next.
So my words of wisdom for anyone who wants to accomplish something but has a problem maintaining drive to commit to finishing is to keep working until you find yourself longing to do something else. At that point, make arrangements to start something new, which will not only give yourself a kind of deadline to finish the first project, but it will also focus and motivate you to finish what you start before diving into another project. It probably doesn't work for everyone, but I've found this to be helpful. At the end of each semester, when I have a large amount of papers due, I find myself longing to read something other than what I need to to write the papers. So instead of distracting myself, I start a pile of books that I am going to read when I finish the last paper. This also helps with finishing books before starting another one. Pick out the next book before the book prior to it is finished, and don't start it until you've finished the first. The theory is that the motivation will sustain longer if the mind has the next thing to look forward to already in its sights.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Facebook Flamewars part II
Recently, I found myself in another fight on facebook. It would seem that I have a gift for pissing people off. Here is the post I commented on:
Willy the Spy:
If you constantly complain about the town you live in, yet have the means (money) to move somewhere else, maybe you should consider doing so. Unless you secretly enjoy looking down on the community around you since it gives you a greatly needed sense of superiority...
--
OK, now I didn't know it at the time, but he was referring to college professors who live in small towns, specifically Mt Pleasant, and then complain from their ivory towers about the "lack of culture." But I was referring to St. Louis, where I am currently living, because that is where my family has lived and will always live, so I commented:
Whinger the Ginger:
--
and my point was that she was stung by what I said so she assumed that I was stung by what she said. The only thing I was thinking was "what an idiot." Because she was making these huge assumptions about me and then ranting about all this bullshit when she didn't even know what I was talking about in the first place. Instead of engaging that kind of stupidity, I just egged her on until she felt stupid, and then sent her a little fake apology to.. I don't know.. make myself feel better, I guess. The thing is everything I say at this point is a rationalization because I don't want to feel like I was intellectually beaten. I was making silly little snide remarks and she was being a colossal bitch. I think that I feel inferior to her because my best friends think she is the smartest person they know.. but to me she is an educated idiot.
I realized tonight that we mock the people we hate when we feel inferior to them because it is pathetic to pick on someone who is less than you. Everything that she said to me could be equally applied to her with the "intellectually superiority" and "still flailing at me with half-baked insults." I hate how vocal people like this are. And the problem has become that I feel shitty not because I was wrong, or because she was right, but because I got in a fight with someone.. anyone. Last week it was something very similar with another girl over music taste. Oh well, one day at a time.
Willy the Spy:
If you constantly complain about the town you live in, yet have the means (money) to move somewhere else, maybe you should consider doing so. Unless you secretly enjoy looking down on the community around you since it gives you a greatly needed sense of superiority...
--
OK, now I didn't know it at the time, but he was referring to college professors who live in small towns, specifically Mt Pleasant, and then complain from their ivory towers about the "lack of culture." But I was referring to St. Louis, where I am currently living, because that is where my family has lived and will always live, so I commented:
Whinger the Ginger:
--
and my point was that she was stung by what I said so she assumed that I was stung by what she said. The only thing I was thinking was "what an idiot." Because she was making these huge assumptions about me and then ranting about all this bullshit when she didn't even know what I was talking about in the first place. Instead of engaging that kind of stupidity, I just egged her on until she felt stupid, and then sent her a little fake apology to.. I don't know.. make myself feel better, I guess. The thing is everything I say at this point is a rationalization because I don't want to feel like I was intellectually beaten. I was making silly little snide remarks and she was being a colossal bitch. I think that I feel inferior to her because my best friends think she is the smartest person they know.. but to me she is an educated idiot.
I realized tonight that we mock the people we hate when we feel inferior to them because it is pathetic to pick on someone who is less than you. Everything that she said to me could be equally applied to her with the "intellectually superiority" and "still flailing at me with half-baked insults." I hate how vocal people like this are. And the problem has become that I feel shitty not because I was wrong, or because she was right, but because I got in a fight with someone.. anyone. Last week it was something very similar with another girl over music taste. Oh well, one day at a time.
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--
and I get chastised by my mother for embarrassing her by putting down St. Louis, MI.
--
Private Rachelle
--this person graduated from the same high school, and is best friends with a family I also consider my best friends.
Whinger the Ginger:
--It may sound snide, but I thought it was an honest question
Private Rachelle
Private Rachelle
--
Stop. I want to say for the record that at this point I was not on the defense because she doesn't know what she is talking about. I wasn't about to say that to her, that I am a broke ass, that I was so poor recently that I had to move back in with my parents, but only because my entire savings and credit was wiped out by living with people much like who she is describing; "you act just like all those brats that come up here from the burbs and act like you're doing the town a favor by living here, even though you hate it, cause theyre too lazy, too mediocre, and too cowardly to actually try to be the people they think they are." The thing is.. I like Mt Pleasant, too. I was talking about St Louis. For a country bumpkin like myself, I can find a lot to do in a place like Mt Pleasant. Where she is dead wrong though is that I don't have any money. I have nothing to my name but a bunch of college debt. So instead of of defending myself.. I deflected:
Whinger the Ginger:
Private Rachelle
----
I don't know why, but this one pissed me off because she said my mind was second rate. Now if my ego wasn't first rate like she said then I probably would have just laughed it off. But again, she is wrong, I have spent more time with her than she realizes, and I can read her posts on Facebook because we have all the same friends... in fact.. when my friend lived with her for three years in the last decade he would come over and tell me how horrible it was to live with her because she was such a slob. But she is an annoying vocal political leftist who grew up poor and studied marxism in college, making her a college-educated poor person who holds a grudge towards people from the suburbs for being who they were raised to be. I should have said that.. instead I just said
Whinger the Ginger:
Private Rachelle
Whinger the Ginger:
Private Rachelle
Whinger the Ginger:
Private Rachelle
Whinger the Ginger:
Private Rachelle
Whinger the Ginger:
---
Later that evening, I was sitting in my garden going over the events of that scuffle, and I was brooding, obsessing because I felt like she was just a fat idiot, and yet I didn't want to get back into it with her--because then she really would be right about me being a bitter child. So instead I thought about all the things that I could say that placate her own ego and sent her this message:
I'm sorry for the things I said to you earlier. You were right, it stung when you said my mind was second rate. I was being presumptuous, self-righteous, petulant, unscrupulous brat. I need to be more discrete on facebook. I am often insecure about my writing, and it hit a nerve when you told me I'm a mediocre writer. So, I just want to let you know that I'm sorry we had words, and I deserved everything you said to me.
And I know I could be happier somewhere else, and have the means to move on, but like you said, I'm lazy and mediocre, and it is easier to simply act superior than everyone else around me. I should just suck it up. I just had a bad night at the River Rock last night, and was feeling belligerent when I woke up this morning. I know I probably didn't even phase you, but I don't like embarrassing myself on other people's profile pages, so for everything, I apologize. It was my fault.
Whinger the Ginger
---
And shortly after this appeared on the conversation:
Willy the Spy
--She didn't say anything to me, but that may be as good as it gets. Now the asterisk I wrote refers to this:
*FROM WIKIPEDIA:
Psychological projection or projection bias (including Freudian Projection) is the unconscious act of denial of a person's own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, the government, a tool, or to other people. Thus, it involves imagining or projecting that others have those feelings.
Denial: you'd hit a lot closer to home if you sounded like you had the first clue what I do with my life.
Attribution: you're just coming off like the bitter child that you so clearly are. it's clear who's stung here, [whinger].