Producer/Consumer

I think the reason I have been filled with so much angst lately is because I find myself torn between my producer/consumer identity. While everyone is a consumer, myself included, not everyone is a producer. Producers need to consume because they do not possess a photosynthetic power, although there is a healthy equivalent in the transformative power of their consumption. I feel as though I straddle the line between consumer and producer because while I produce a great many material objects (i.e record/publish music, write novels, short stories, etc), I limit the dissemination on the one hand, and privately publish on the other. Maso-cannibal consumption. People assume it is worthless because I give it away for free, but really I give it away so it won't become a commercial commodity. Also, everything I produce tends to be filtered through, or reprised of consumer objects such as movies, books, "popular" music, etc.

You see, it sounds like I'm trying to rationalize being different, and by the same token, being special or "better than everyone." I'm a snob, which (I guess) is unfavorable in the professional atmosphere. I've been told that what I need is to be in a place with "more interesting people." It just makes me "feel bad" because I don't know why I expect so much out of people, out of myself, and then condemn them for their fallibility. Why do I expect so much out of people/myself? Why am I so unforgiving?

What does this have to do with Producer/Consumer... well, it just seems that the producer hates the consumer, and therefore the producer in me hates the consumer in me as well as the consumer in everyone else. Why does the producer have to hate the consumer though? What is the purpose of it? In a world of non-sustainability it would seem that the producers have every right to hate the consumers for it is the consumers' non-return of production that causes entropy and finally extinction. But it isn't the end of the world, just the end of us...although the universe will meet a similar end.