How much does size matter, really?

I just finished reading a book by Kurt Vonnegut called Breakfast of Champions. I've had it for a few years, but I haven't ever had time to read it. It was perhaps one of the quickest reads I've ever encountered. Almost three hundred pages and I burned through it in a couple sittings. One of the most interesting aspects of the novel was the way it described the penis size and diameter when errect of every male character. It made me wonder, when I learned that it is five inches, how much size really matters, not just to women, but in the male self-conception.

I guess the more obvious question is, why would it matter if it is not an obvious characteristic? Most people cover up the genital areas and the majority of their pubic regions for more or less the entirety of their lives. There are some exceptions, but those aside, why would ones ego and self esteem hang on the size of one's dong? I guess to the partner such matters could be important, but I honestly doubt that true love can be hung on penis size. A man could have a larger than average penis, and still be an unsatisfying lover. So, the point I'm trying to make is that the full height of one's John Thomas is not his defining characteristic.. because the difference is in inches.. centimeters really.

It is truly amazing how we have a tendency to choose our mates based on their sexual appearance because above all when it comes to entering a committed relationship, this is the only person whom which you will be being intimate with unless you cheat or break up. Some guys don't have a problem with cheating. It isn't that they don't love the person they are with, it's just that they want both--or all women. It is unfortunate that we live in a consumer culture where we are able to select the objects we want, and with enough currency, can purchase these items to be used at our disposal. We treat the people we desire the same way. We see them, in bars, class, at work, in the store, etc, and we use what ever currency we have at our disposal to try and win these people. The larger the amount of whatever kind of (social or monetary) currency we have at our disposal, not only does the quality of our obtainment increase, but also the quantity.

But we have driven ourselves crazy by adopting the desires of those who we desire. This causes us to torture ourselves over the happiness of others who are probably also adopting the desires of someone whom they desire. After all, it is often the case that the people who you desire will not want you, but an entire other group who they desire.. who also have the same affectation. This cycle most likely loops ad infinitum, and it is ironic because someone who I want probably wants someone, [...], who wants someone, who wants me. I also find it odd how I can never seem to find one person. Either I can't find anyone--or I find two (or sometimes three) people who want to be with me, but I can't make up my mind. When it rains it pours. But if I didn't treat women as objects--but as people.. then I wouldn't feel so conflicted every time I find myself in the situation again. If we were allowed to have intimate relationships with as many people as we wanted, however, then that might reduce a lot of the anxiety. That would never work though because people would get jealous and so would still find themselves making promises not to fuck other people. Then they either cheat, or they stick to the promise and are miserable because the sex phase of the relationship fades and then it feels more like a marriage than anything else. I made a decision not to cheat anymore because I can't stand the thought of someone I care about fucking someone else. But those feelings of possession over my loved-ones vagina only betray me to my consumerist nature. I can't win. We can't win. We are damned if we do, and damned if we don't.

I guess the best thing to do is what my parents have done.. make your life about the life of your partner. Many people try to have lives separate of their partner, or suddenly wake up and realize that they don't have a life of their own and freak out, get divorced, and start fucking around.. only to realize that the person that knows them best is the one who've they created an entire life with. Perhaps people spend so much time doing what they don't want to be doing that it obscures what they think they want.. so what they think they want isn't really what they want.. but what they think they need to be happy.. but happiness is as illusive as--well--something that is hard to find... like Jesus or something. Not to mention there is some fluidity involved in the process to achieving happiness.. that is.. the definition will always be changing slightly as what it is you are seeking defines it's self through a long and self-awakening journey.

I keep reading these guides to finding a PhD program, and I keep finding messages like "the means is the end" which to me sounds like a way of saying "enjoy the abuse." Schadenfreude is the word psychologists use I think, which is German word that means something like "joyful sadness." I think Masochism is the behavior that people interested in these words are trying to describe. So PhD programs are masochism. But many things that yield something good have long and painful processes.. so maybe I will enjoy it. How much education is enough though? Or put it better, how long do I need to continue being a student before I can start getting paid for sharing what I know with other fertile, young minds? Brainmeal. Tasty.