So much to say...

In a KMFDM song called "Dogma," Nicole Blackman speaks the line:

"...you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world--
nothing to say, and no way to say it, but you can say it in three languages." (from XTORT)

My biggest fear is not that I have nothing to say, but that I have no one to tell what I'm thinking. Sure, there are people I can talk to now, but what happens when I have another little meltdown, leading to further (and perhaps more permanent?) isolation. I've been trying really hard to keep company with people, but perhaps some of the society that I desire is still not right for me. I do have my friends though, and I am grateful for them. Sometimes, however, I feel as though they don't understand me. It's like we really are speaking different languages--playing what Lyotard described as language games.

Many people feel stupid--or they get to a certain point in their lives when they realize they could be much smarter than they believe themselves to be, and so start trying to read more. This happened to me when I was 17, and I've begun reading a lot more ever since. A problem I find is that many people don't what they should be reading, so they turn to what they consider to be more reliable sources of information (i.e. internet, television).

Here is my speculation:

So many people watch the History Channel or the Discovery Channel in order to alleviate the oppressing plague of idiocy that seems to have ravaged our culture. What they don't realize is that these are outlets designed to focus their desires. Foucault explored this idea of Subject-Power relationships, and discussed how people are subjugated to the powers that control them. People, then, don't get the Truth, but a version of the truth that shape their perception of reality. This is why people who talk about World War II only really think about Nazis and Hitler. It never occurs to them what else was at stake.. socially, economically, globally.. not to mention the consequences and repercussions that occurred in the aftermath of the War.

There is simply too much to know, and I understand and take this into consideration. What I am unimpressed by is the people who aren't really interested in learning as a way to better themselves, but desire knowledge as power--and social currency. But perhaps they are the intelligent ones: power lies in the one who controls the many. I would always be right if I had a group of people behind me who always agreed with what I said; majority rules, and in our culture the "wrong" one is the one who stands alone. Ironically, history paints a picture of the reverse being true: great scientific breakthroughs are made by a single person who stands up and says "everything we know is wrong.. or at least not quite correct."

Would anyone argue, since we can't know everything, there is no point in knowing anything? Or, if all pictures sketched are removed from the truth, does that mean that nothing is real? This kind of pseudo-idealization is exactly the kind of shit that drove the modernist crazy.. and underlines the need to faith to fill in the gaps left by negative capability to borrow a term from Keats.

What is the difference between a delusion and faith in an ideal? Technically, they belong to two completely categories of discourse--two different genres of speech--so they are mutually agreeable, and yet incommensurable. Incommensurable is a fifty-cent word for don't go together. It is like trying to speak German to someone who only knows Spanish. But that is quite dichotomous: mutually agreeable and incommensurable. A delusion is used in the language (or discourse) of psychology to describe a person who talks to people who aren't really there. The phrase "faith in an ideal" though is a slightly skeptical--almost optimistic--objective view of the language of religion. Religion and Psychology are two aspects of culture that seek to describe the way reality works.. sometimes making their own speculations, dictating the way they believe reality should work.

Now back to my original point: I fear that no one will be able to understand what I mean when I say all this. This is what I have to say, and there is more, too.. a lot more. Everyone I talk to usually gets lost when I start throwing around words like "discourse" and "speech genre" because no one I know has read Foucault or Bahktin. They are too busy reading stuff about World War II, or the da Vinci Code, or some other literary fad. I should be careful because the education I purchased is the only reason I know of the things that I do.. and I am lacking the same autonomy that I crucify others for not possessing. But somehow I am able to overlook these similarities in character, and condemn others in spite of the fact that I am equally damnable. Like Balthamos in The Subtle Knife, I would be much happier if I could love others in spite of their shortcomings. The Subtle Knife is the second volume in the His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman. It is a good read if you ever get tired of reading about World War II.